Before the pandemic, I was living in Toronto and honestly struggling mentally, and emotionally. I had grown up in New Brunswick and thought moving to Toronto would help me get back on track, help me get sober, and would allow me to run from my traumas and triggers and search for a blank canvas to start over. Unfortunately, no matter where you go you take yourself – and your problems too. I did not get sober and so a lot of the mental health issues I had I was repressing by coping in this way. A few months before the pandemic, after 2 years in Toronto, my roommates broke our lease, and I called my dad to ask for financial support. At this point in my life, we had a strained relationship and did not speak often. He is also the Senegalese parent and up until moving to Toronto point I had been raised by my white mother, who had fallen ill with dementia, in a white community. My dad decided instead of giving me money to move that I should live with him. He knew my mental health wasn’t great, that I still wasn’t sober. At first I completely refused. I loved Toronto, loved my life, loved my cat that I would have to leave behind. Slowly, my logic brain separated from my emotional one and I knew it was the right thing to do.
I moved in on October 29th 2019 and vowed I would get sober, and I am fortunate to say the pandemic is exactly what I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and love the person I was seeing. I spent most of 2020 working, in therapy and learning to love who I was without events to go to, people to impress who didn’t really matter, or drinks to consume to numb myself. I learned how to love myself, my Blackness, and my family. The pandemic even allowed me to get closer with my mom by having weekly calls facilitated by her nursing home as opposed to relying on my travel to speak to her and connect. I went from over 30k in debt to being debt free, started my career in Communications and started being an advocate and activist for the Black community.
By August 1st 2021, I had returned to Toronto and now live in my own apartment, reunited with my cat, working for two non-profit organizations, and owning two companies. I have visited my mom in the nursing home twice and once outside the windows during the past year of the pandemic after approximately 10 months apart. The most difficult part has been returning to Toronto and having to re-integrate into society and remain sober. While I have not stayed perfectly sober since moving back, I remain proud of my growth and had the pandemic not happened so I could take a step back and re-evaluate my life without feeling like I would subsequently have life pass me by, I would probably be dead. -Hillary